You know you're a mom when...
...you fall asleep while sitting upright on the floor next to a sick little one's bed holding his hand because that's the only thing that seems to make him feel better and fall asleep...even if it means you wake up with a kink in your neck and a sore shoulder!
...you are awake at 2:30 am watching cartoons with the little one because he can't fall back asleep and you're thinking, "Why do they play the good cartoons at 2:30 am?
...your sweatpants look like they hosted a snail convention thanks to your little one's snotty nose and you lament to yourself, "I wonder if I can get away with wearing these again tomorrow?"
...you walk out of your office and immediately bellow, "Okay, who shit themself?" and you're not surprised when no one fesses up.
...you make a big Christmas dinner and your little one only eats a few bites and you think to yourself, "Well at least he has something in his stomach now so he won't puke up the candy canes."
...you have uttered the phrase, "Please don't open that bathroom door until mommy is done going potty," or, "Would you please at least let me pull my pants up before you open that door?" while in a public restroom.
...you've ever begged a child to poop or tried your darndest to get a child to believe that the potty is alive and that it's hungry and wants to eat his poops.
...you hear every insulting word in every Disney cartoon and you're not afraid to get mad about it and point it out to other mom's so they can be mad with you. Like why in the world does the truck in Cars have to call Lightning a moron? Couldn't he just say, "Turn on your lights!" without slipping the "you moron" in at the end.
...you don't think twice about picking the underwear out of someone's little fanny as he goes running by you...until you notice your significant other staring at you and when you turn to look at them they say, "Did you just pick that boy's wedgie?" and you say, "Yes," as if it's a stupid question they just asked.
...multiples time during the day you find yourself uttering the words, "Child, __________ does not go in the dvd player! If it gets broken because you're messing around with it I'm not buying a third one!" (insert any object imaginable, because child believes everything should make an effort to fit into the dvd player).
...you've ever discovered, too late, that someone has been using one of your makeup brushes to brush god knows what off the toilet seat.
...you don't think twice about reaching out and picking the wedgie out of the fanny that just went running by until your husband looks at you and says, "Did you just pick his butt?" That's when you stop and say, "Did I? Oh, yeah I guess I did."
...you've ever had your little one falling asleep with his face to your face and all you can think is, "Man, I gotta remember to brush this kids teeth. When did he eat Cheetos? I smell Cheetos."
...you've ever shut off the lights to "see" things with your hands and you end up having to turn the lights on because you're both too deep in a fit of giggles to keep going.
...it takes you over a month to read even one chapter in your book and yet you can recite word for work at least five children's board books.
...you get out the heavy snow shovel and chip away at the compact snow and ice engulfing the swingset just so that your little one can go down his slide. It's not his fault that it's the end of April and there's too much snow still, the boy wants to play!!!
...you have ever found out the hard way that your little one has diarrhea...and by hard way I mean you end up with it on your shoe.
You know you're a boy mom when you are folding laundry and find something horribly unrecognizable but not right. You ask your son, "What did you put in your pocket?" And his simple answer, "A worm," as if he would like to follow it with, "Duh." You just nod your head, say, "boys are so gross," and remind yourself to check his pockets every.time.
You know you're a mom when you bend down to kiss your napping child and the smell of dirt, sweat, grass and a peanut butter & jelly sandwich hits you like a ton of bricks. And you breathe deeper because it's divine.
