I just discovered...

...I never posted this.  Yep, two and a half years later I haven't posted much about my sister or her death or the things that went on around it.  Someone asked me a question about her today and I went looking in here for her obituary.  And it's not here.  Nothing about the photo slideshow I put together for the reception after her memorial service and what a pain in the arse stupid Windows/PowerPoint was on my new (at the time) laptop.  It's two and a half years later and I still haven't fixed the issues with the slideshow program, even though several people asked me for a copy of it. 

I did write her obituary and that was heartbreaking and yet it couldn't not have been done by anyone else.  I'm posting it here now so I have it for posterity.  And I'll get to the slideshow sometime.

Obituary for Sarah Kay Broden

Sarah Kay Broden decided to make her grand entrance into this world on December 19, 1986 in Coeur d'Alene Idaho. She was the fourth child born to Alan and Shirley (Gilder) Broden. Sarah was a gorgeous baby with a full head of dark hair and the sweetest disposition, which she eventually outgrew. After a battle with a long term illness Jesus called her home on September 14, 2015. Though we knew her time on earth would not be as long as we'd like her death was still sudden and therefore crushing for those of us that loved her so very, very much. She was an amazing example of how to do the best you can with what you've been given in life. Her courage to face every day, even though every day was a struggle, was an inspiration to those of us who got to witness her unique strength. 

Sarah was known for her acerbic quick wit, her admiration for the inventor of Poo-pourri, her sometimes too brutal honesty, her self-deprecating nature, and her passion for food. Not for fixing it, mind you, but for eating it. Anyone who knew her didn't even have to ask her what she'd like to eat as her standard answer would be, "I'm a carnivore, just feed me meat." She loved to sit back and watch people cook and she loved watching shows on Food Network, yelling at the TV, "You better let that meat rest before you slice it, you idiot." She doted on her niece and nephews…until they started to bother her or argue with her. She loved to have them sit on her lap and ride around in her wheelchair with her, earning her the nickname "Aunty Wheels." She loved to go to the park with them. She would sit on the sidelines watching them be crazy kids and laughing at those of us who had to chase them around. "Hey, is that your kid over there taking a leak by the tire swings?" 

Sarah attended Hayden Meadows Elementary, Canfield Middle School, and graduated from Coeur d'Alene High School in 2005. In 2008 she earned an Associate's Degree from North Idaho College and then went on to earn a Bachelor's Degree in Biology from the University of Idaho in Moscow. Her 2011 graduation from U of I was a highlight in her life because it was something she fought really hard to accomplish. While attending school her illness progressed and affected things like her mobility. When her peers were late to class because they were hung over, Sarah would be late because her wheelchair got stuck in the snow on a sidewalk that no one had bothered to shovel. When she was no longer able to drive a car she rejoiced in the fact that she no longer had to buy a parking permit. She loved her time in college. 

Sarah tried not to dwell on the "crap card" she was dealt physically but every once in a while, after a particularly trying day she was known to unabashedly lob a big F bomb in the direction of her disease. It stole a lot of the joys from her life but she learned to appreciate the simple things that much more. She remained spirited and she loved to laugh. She couldn't offer to help anyone move furniture or back them up in a good rumble, but she could offer her time and presence. She prided herself on being a great human sized paperweight and she was a pro at keeping a tarp from blowing away, but she was best at giving her undivided attention and an empathetic ear. She was a voracious reader and a huge fan of movies, music, comedy, and TV that made her smile or challenged her big brain. 

Sarah was very close to her dad, Alan, who beat her to Heaven in February of 2009 and she wanted to be buried next to him in Libby, Montana. She is survived by her mother Shirley Broden of Butte, Montana, her two brothers John Broden of McMinnville, Oregon and Josiah (Amber) Broden of Spokane Valley, Washington, and her only sister, Cyndi (Ed) Holbert of Powell, Idaho. The lights of her life were nephews Ben and Keith Broden, Garrett Holbert, and niece Brooklyn Broden. Sarah made it clear to everyone that she intended to die before her beloved and constant companion of 11 years, a "not quite right in the head" miniature pinscher named Goliath. She got her wish. A memorial service in celebration of Sarah's life will be held at 3:00 pm (MST) September 19, 2015 at Christ Lutheran Church, 200 West Larch Street Libby, Montana. A reception will immediately follow the service at the same location. 

And yes, there will be meat.

I didn't post about her service.  How her remains almost didn't make it in time, the entire process was just weird.  The funeral home could not cremate her until they had some cause of death form from her doctor.  But her doctor wasn't available so another doctor had to look through her medical records and determine her cause of death.  And the ailment chosen was not what she died from but hey, the paperwork was done.  Oh but wait, then there was the cremation permit that had to be signed off on in Boise.  But the people who handle that were in some kind of training that week.  Every roadblock actually brought me a lot of comfort because someone was going to be at her service that she would not have wanted to see so it felt like it was her way of saying, "If he's going to be there I'm not."  Totally her style.  It was all behind the scenes but we ended up having her remains on time.  We draped her bridesmaid dress from my wedding over her for her cremation.  I was ecstatic to find out that she could be buried with our dad because one plot can hold cremated remains of three people.  It just felt right since Dad was really the man she loved most in her life.  Then there was how to mark her grave when there was already a grave marker for my parents there.  I contributed ideas and my mom got it done.

I didn't write about how I didn't have time to write anything down about what I wanted to say.  I had lots of help from my aunt Benita but I told my mom that I would handle Sarah's service and so I did.  Her best friend Whitney spoke about the girl she grew up with and I was so proud of her for doing that.  And my little brother spoke and his words were heartfelt and lovely and true.  I don't know what I said but I know I wasn't happy with it because it was disjointed and rambling.  Sorry about that.  The reception was filled with family and friends and food.  SO much food.  We held the service and reception at my grandparents church in Montana and the ladies of the church all brought and served food.  For a girl they didn't really know.  But she was Elsie & Bob's granddaughter and that was enough for them. 

I won't lie, I'm still grieving her.  A lot.  I miss her more tremendously than I even knew was possible.  I wish I could have her back.  It's been a big blow to my heart because being Sarah's big sister was a huge part of my identity.  

Oh hey, hi.

My birthday is cancelled this year

It wasn't what she gave, it was the reason behind the gift.  She wanted the giftee to know that they were special and celebrated.  She wanted them to know they meant something to her, were part of her world.  She couldn't always afford much but she made sure to afford something.  And now she's gone and I won't get a present from her.  I won't get Happy Birthday wishes from her.  And that's all I want for my birthday.

Are you there God? It's me, Cyndi.

Siren died last Sunday...the 28th of February.  Which happens to have been the 7th anniversary of my dad's death.  I don't know if this was a karmic "Ha ha fuck you," or if it was my dad's way of letting me know he'll take care of her for me.  Regardless, she's gone and I miss her tremendously.

Not as tremendously as I'm missing my sister but huge sadness just the same.

G and I had gone to Kalispell and Libby to attend the funeral of my great aunt Ruth, my Granny B's older sister.  She was just three months shy of celebrating her 100th birthday.  She almost made it.  I have always enjoyed her very much but just realized that I am like her in one very important way.  Sarah and I were/are nine years apart in age.  Ruth and my granny were ten years apart.  And they were very close.  And Sarah and I were very close.  It's just another way I feel like I am alone, actually.  Her funeral was awesome, about 30 members of her family (children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, brothers, etc.) got up and sang a song together.  I got to see a lot of familiar faces and get lots of hugs.
We left and went to Libby to hang out at Granny B's old house, which is now my cousin's house.  They have kids G's age so he loves getting to go there.  Sunday morning E texted me to tell me that Siren had had a rough night and that she hadn't eaten or had any water since the day before.  He said her breathing was labored and he had to go outside to get her and carry her in.  I knew that meant things had certainly changed.  I packed up the car and G and I left by 9 am to make the five-hour drive home.  At about four hours we reached home (what can I say, it was a clear and sunny day and we only stopped for gas).

As soon as I walked in the door and was not greeted by a wiggling but Siren I knew something was wrong.  Then I saw her face and my heart broke.  She looked completely and utterly crestfallen.  For a split second I could see joy and relief in her eyes at the sight of us but then her face was just sad.  Very, very sad.  I never left her side for the next few hours, just laying with her where she wanted to lay.  E and I took her outside to potty but she couldn't stand up anymore and had no interest in it all.  We carried her back inside.  I just laid with her and talked to her about everyone she'd get to see when she got to Heaven.  I talked to her about some of my favorite memories we shared.  I talked to her about how our future would be and what she wouldn't be here to see.

G would lay with me and her and talk to me about death.  I wanted to show him that it's not a scary thing, that we welcome it when someone we love is suffering.  I wanted him to see that it could be sweet and loving and peaceful.  That's what I wanted to give her.  Calm, quiet, love.

She got up and moved off her dog bed to lay closer to E in the kitchen.  When I tried to get her to move back to her bed I knew it was close to time.  She could not get back up on her own and when I went to pick her up she peed.  No problem, pee can be cleaned up.  I laid her back on her bed and noticed her breathing had changed.  I told E and G it was close to time for her to go.  We all laid on her bed with her, kissing her and petting her and loving her.  And she just stopped breathing.

We buried her in the back yard with Kevlar and Crash.  It was everything I wanted for her end time.  We will miss her and all her craziness.  There was never a better dog than our Miss Siren Jean the Beauty Queen.

I'll be back...

How in the world have I been "gone" for six months?

Holy crap.

I have good reasons.

A busy summer that began with a trip from hell.  No, really.  We had to find an "extra" $2500 just to GET HOME from our vacation thanks to issues with the truck and blown tires on the camp trailer. Then it was another $2000 to fix the other part of the problem.  We went to participate in and attend a friends wedding.  It ended up costing us more than our wedding.

We spent the end of summer under wildfire evacuations.  That's a fun time...said no one ever.  We came out of it unscathed but it just plained sucked.

I won't bore you with much more other than to tell you (and by you I mean the voices in my head) that my sister died.  She was the only person I know of that came here frequently and read what I would write.  In fact she'd send me messages telling me to blog so she'd have something to read.

And I have no motivation to write anything because losing one's sister is pretty shitty all the way around.